An Explanation

I actually haven’t fallen off the face of the Earth – I’ve just moved to the other side of it, again. It’s a journey that probably started back in September of 2016, when JC and I decided to come back here. At that time we had been staying with our parents for over a year, and things actually weren’t so great. You can see it in my posts from the time, from hinting that I was realizing how much our parents fucked us up to how I tried to convince myself that things were good. There was even a list of things that I missed from Hong Kong.

The first time around in Hong Kong we still thought of our parents’ places as home, and kept things there. But this time would be different. Having been at home for a year, I realized how tethered we still were to our parents, how we weren’t really as independent as we thought. No, if we were to leave this time, I would not use my mom’s house as a storage unit. I would take care of all my shit, whether that meant taking it with me or getting rid of it. From the past year of museum posts and magazine scans, you can see what I decided.

If I had the money, and the means to make that money, I would stay in the Bay Area. Even as we were selling our things and packing our suitcases I told JC that Hong Kong actually isn’t so great, we already gave it a go, and we came back to the USA. But where would we stay in the Bay Area? We tried looking for a place to live in early 2016. I actually had a job with decent hours and pay. But it was a shit life, a draining life. Work all day doing something you don’t like, ride in a stinky train before and after, and repeat daily. Hong Kong would be the same, but at least the train wouldn’t be stinky. I wouldn’t have to worry about my surroundings all the time. But I’d still have to deal with the shitty parts of living here. In the end, given a bunch of shitty choices, we picked the least stinky one.

So this is where we are now, more than 6 months back in Hong Kong. Despite now being independent, we’re still not as happy as we’d like to be. Adulting is fucking hard, and the more you live and experience, the more it seems like it’s all bullshit. JC is working and dealing with office politics, and I am not, a repeat of early 2014. As I posted back then, I still got nothin’, no motivation to work, no hunger for money, no plans for the future. I still just want to play basketball and video games, read books, and drink Scotch. We can’t exclusively do those things because we don’t have money, but if we commit ourselves to earning money, then we won’t have time to do those things. What a vicious turn of events.

I often think of things to post here, about life and our current situation, and the future. And yet, when the time comes, it seems difficult to organize all my thoughts. We’re not quite 40 yet, but life seems tiring. Is this all there is? What’s the meaning? Is there even supposed to be a meaning? Why does it seem like most people are deceiving themselves? Or are we the ones deceiving ourselves?

I’m looking for a job now, so I won’t post this just yet, because despite my angst, I understand how the world works. Just more bullshit, right? For the record, I started this entry in January, and today is April 11. Let’s see what the actual date will be when I finally post…

2 thoughts on “An Explanation

  1. Perhaps you should really consider devoting yourself to money making jobs or ventures earlier in your life , so you can go back to playing video games , basketball and drinking scotch later in your life. Not judging at all but you sound to me like someone who highly value his time and preferences in life , but isn’t that a tad unrealistic if you’re hitting 40 fairly soon , and for a lack of better words , were not born with a silver spoon? I just turned 26 this year and I can really resonate with your life view and all , but at the same time the one thing I am most afraid of is not saving or invest enough money in exchange of my freedom later in life.

    • Patrick,

      You are absolutely right, which is why I’m now back in the game and actively looking for a job. Since I wasn’t born with a silver spoon, no one is going to hand me anything for free.

      The contradiction that I’ve experienced in my 20s and early 30s is this notion that you work super hard, make and save a bunch of money, buy a house, and then enjoy it all during retirement. One wonders where this notion came from, and why it’s pushed so hard, as if someone could see and predict the future. (That was more of a rhetorical question and I have my theories, but I won’t go into them now.)

      The hard part is divvying up limited resources while fulfilling your priorities. As you’ve ascertained, my priority is time, and I believe that the same thing done in my late 20s/early 30s will be a different experience if done in my 50s, or 60s, or 70s, or whenever I retire. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? No one knows what the future will hold, unless you live a pre-scripted life, which I guess some people do. And even then, you never know when the script will come crashing down, like it did with my father, my aunts and cousins, our dog, and so many others.

      In closing, I’ll tell you something I’ve been telling myself lately: be free. Be free to do whatever you want, to make the choices you want, to take responsibility for those choices, and to live with the consequences. You are free!

      Good luck to you and thank you for visiting and commenting.

      Jonathan Young

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