And Then I Got Sick

I had already felt a little achy and sleepy on Thursday, and after posting about declining a job offer, my condition deteriorated rapidly. I spent the rest of Friday afternoon on the couch alternately feeling hot, then cold, then tired, then hot again. I’d put on a jacket and it’d get too hot. I’d take it off and it’d be too cold. Then my muscles and joints started aching. I couldn’t play Sega even if I wanted to. All I could do was lay on the couch.

When I’m sick I completely let myself go when it comes to sleep. By that, I mean that I just allow myself to sleep into a daze. Normally, the more I sleep the more sleepy I get (which is undesirable). Or, if I have a schedule and need to get up at a certain time, that time is more or less on my mind while I’m sleeping so that I tend to get up before my alarm even goes off. When I’m sick, I turn off all of these concerns. Just sleep and let my body heal itself. The sleep that results is deep and intense, if sleep can be described that way. I’ve had some crazy dreams sleeping like this, too. Last night I saw my father. I asked him if he bought that umbrella hanging on the chair. I don’t remember if he responded, but the answer I got was that my mother bought the umbrella, not my dad.

Even with all that sleep, this flu was too powerful to kill with a single night’s worth. On Saturday morning I got out of bed only to get right back on the couch, wrapping myself up in our blanket. Sometimes there is a cough, a dry cough, and it’s like something smacking you in the lung. In between the chills and aches, I tried to find a position that was relatively comfortable. I finally did, laying on my right side, using our Doraemon as a pillow. Luckily the PS3 uses Bluetooth, so you don’t have to aim the remote at it to control it. I went through all our photos from 2011 to the present. I can’t believe how big the dining table we had in Oakland was compared to the one we have here.

I was lucky that it was the weekend and JC could be with me. After she got off work on Saturday afternoon she brought back some food and OJ, and then she spent the rest of the afternoon with me on the couch. I hope she doesn’t get sick after being in such close proximity these past few days. If she does, it will be my turn to take care of her. I feel very happy and lucky to have a girl like her.

Yesterday the new thing was soreness in my buttocks and my mid-back. It must have been all that sleeping, on top of the aches and pains that already come with the flu. Can’t even sit without pain. Can’t lie down without pain. Luckily, JC had some Tylenol samples saved up and it worked wonders. I don’t want to take too much and become resistant to it, but I had the sitting pain again this morning and took a couple. That’s why I’m able to sit here and type this now.

Makes me think of all the people who suffer like this long term, the ones for which there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The human body’s capacity for suffering is incredibly high. Unless we get shot or squashed by a subway car, we can take our sweet time to get to the end. It really makes me wonder what goes on in the minds of the anti-suicide crowd. Do they not have any empathy? Is their need to control so strong that they’re completely unaware of the victim’s suffering? Or maybe they ignore it? Or maybe they don’t even go that deep into the reasons for why they take that position in the first place. Just plain old dogma. Ignorant fools.

“Why?”

With all the job stuff happening last week, I got stressed out. After the interview on Monday, I had another coffee after dinner. That night I slept only about 4 hours. I went to shoot around a bit, and afterwards I went inside the wet market to buy some groceries, passing by the live chicken stall. I thought that maybe I caught bird flu. Stayed up later than I should have trying to beat a boss in Resident Evil that night. Got a load of calls from the recruiter on Wednesday. Fatigue and stress weakens the immune system and allows germs to get in.

“Truth”

At the lowest point, I’m just laying there, my eyes barely open, I’m shivering, and I can’t find a comfortable position. I know I’m not dying any time soon, but it feels like it. At that lowest point, truth has a tendency to make itself appear to you. All the stuff I did during the past week about finding a job is close and far away from my mind at the same time. Close in that I was actually thinking about it, and far away in that I couldn’t actually care less about it at that point. It goes back to that same old question, “what’s important to you?” The past week I put on some “nice” clothes and went looking for a job, despite having always been uncomfortable wearing a suit and tie. How did I feel when I did it? Felt like I was wearing a mask, putting up a front. That wasn’t me. When I was down at that lowest point, I knew that I would be fine if I never had to put on a suit and tie ever again.

I declined a job offer, and then I got sick.